Want it? Well, you can't have it! Ha!

The Coveted Piece of Soggy Graham Cracker

Matt: Hailey, want the rest of my graham cracker? I think I can reach.
Hailey: That's so nice of you! I'd love it!
Matt: Okay, reach your hand out and it's yours!

Matt: Mom, I'm not sure I want to give it to her anymore.
Hailey: But you said you would...that makes me sad.
Matt: It looks so yummy though...I'm conflicted. Should I? Shouldn't I?
Hailey: You should...you should give it to me!!!

Matt: I'm so sorry...I can't hold out. This piece of soggy graham cracker needs to be in my mouth. I didn't mean to lead you on...I just need it!

Hailey: So, I get nothing? NOTHING??? This is ridiculous!

I think we need to start working on sharing...

The Perfect Picture...is there any such thing?

So, we were getting ready for one of our infamous photo shoots. The babies are finally big enough to wear these onesies from their Uncle Z who lives in Nebraska. I thought it would be nice to send him a picture of them wearing his gift. Hailey volunteered to be the director of the photo shoot and Matthew grudgingly agreed to take her direction. Here goes nothing!

H: Oh, you're ready? You didn't say you were ready! Can I get a little more notice next time? Do you see what I'm dealing with here?
M: Mmmm...shapes taste good.

H: Okay, Matt, when Mommy counts to three, smile.
M: Okay...I smiled.
H: NO, NO, NO...smile AND look at the camera.
M: Hmmm...okay, thanks for being more specific this time. I'll do better!

H: Here we go again...Matt, get ready.
M: Okay...we'll get it this time. Oh wait...more shapes...gotta taste them too!
H: Arrrrggghhhh...you screwed it up again!!!

M: Mommy, Hailey keeps yelling at me! I'm trying to smile, but then she tells me to look at the camera at the same time and I get all confused!
H: Mom, I'm just doing what you want me to do. I really don't know what his problem is. He keeps playing with his shapes...what is the deal with that?

M: Mom, make her stop!
H: Listen, if you do what I say when I say it, we'll stop because Mommy will have a picture to send to Uncle Z...get it?
M: Yes, I'm back on board!

H: Seriously...why am I trying so hard!?!? You're not even smiling!!! He's going to think we hate these onesies!!!
M: Mom, I'm so sad...Hailey is yelling at me and I'm really trying. Don't you think this face is cute too? Does it always have to be a smile?
H: Ugh...he's impossible to work with!

H: Seriously, Mom!!! He's trying to crawl away! How am I supposed to work with this?
M: I wasn't crawling away...I wanted to touch Mommy's leg.
H: WHY???
M: I dunno...I love her.
H: Yeah, me too...WAIT! I'm still mad at you for ruining another picture!
M: Sorry...I'll get it this time. I'll concentrate...I promise.

H: SMILE!!!!

M: Nice job, Hailey...we're both smiling!
H: WHAT??? My eyes were closed??? I screwed up this one? That's it! I quit!
M: She was the best director I ever worked with. Let's do this again!

Touching...no, no, gentle

M: Hailey, you're cute...I just want to squeeze you!
H: Please don't...you always squeeze with your nails and it freaking hurts!
M: Pleeeeaaasssseee...I just love you so much. Can't you see this loving look that I'm giving you?
H: I see it, but I don't know if I believe it. I think you want to see how much pressure you can apply before you break the skin...or break my will...whatever comes firsst.
M: Please...I can't help myself.
H: No.
Matthew ignores her and does it anyway.
M: Oh! You're so cute and squishy!!!
H: OOOOWWWWWWW!!! GET OFF OF ME!!!
M: Does that screaming mean you like it? I'll do it more! Does it feel good when I do this?
Pulls the hair on the back of Hailey's head.
H: NNNNOOOOOOOO! What are you doing? Get off of me! MOMMMM!!!!
Mom: What are you guys doing? Oh, Hailey, he just loves you so much...
M: See? I love you.
Mom: Matthew, be gentle with Hailey...she doesn't like that as much as you think she should.
M: Okay...I'll try again, but this time, I'll go for her face.
H: Oooooowwwww!!! God, someone should cut your nails! Get off of me!!!

M: Okay, but I do love you...I let you touch my face.
H: Yes, but that's because I'm gentle with your face and I let you put my hand in your mouth.
M: True...hey, what does "gentle" mean anyway? Mommy is always telling me to be gentle, but I have no clue what that means.
H: I don't know...
Blank stares at each other...
H: I would assume it's the opposite of what you're doing to me...you're rough dude!
M: I gotta touch you again!
H: MMMMOOOOMMMMM!!!! OW! GET OFF OF ME!
M: I love you!

What IS This Crap?

H: Matthew, here we go again.
M: Oh yay! Wait...what do you mean? It's time to eat, right?
H: Yes, but you know what that means...they're going to try to make us eat something new...again!
M: I like new things! They all taste so yummy and Mommy and Daddy do funny things to make us eat them...they don't need to do that with me...I'll eat anything!
H: Yeah...you're making it harder for me. I think they need to work for it...I'll eat if they really earn it. That's how I roll.
M: You're kind of mean, you know?
H: Not mean...just honest. If it tastes like crap, why am I going to open my mouth again for another bite of crap? Not gonna happen!
M: Oh, give them a break...look at how happy they are...what the hell are peas?
H: Matthew, the stuff in that jar is freaking GREEN! Do they really think that I'll allow that to pass these lips?
M: Mmmmmm....cereal....mmmmmm...can't talk now...gotta demand that the cereal get into my belly faster...mmmmm
H: You're such a pig...it is good though. Alright, enough talking...I'm eating now too....mmmmm.
Mommy: Okay, we're going to try something new!
Daddy: Mmmmm...peas!
H: Freaking great (sarcasm)!
M: No, it IS freaking great...I can't wait! (big smile)
Mommy: Here we go Matt....Zooooommmm....right into your mouth! Oh, I think he likes it!
Daddy: Okay, Hailey...chug-a-chug-a-chug-a-chooooo-choooo! Right into your mouth...oh crap...Hailey, swallow it!
H: No way.
Daddy: Hailey, just give it a shot...it's YUMMY!
H: It tastes like pureed crap...not yummy!
Daddy: Okay, let's try another bite.
H: Why in the world would you think I need another bite after this one is still sitting in my mouth? Are you freaking crazy!?!? Another bite!?!? Who taught you people parenting anyway? The rule is if the baby doesn't like it, then stop what you're doing! What the hell? Oh, here we go...he's trying again...
Daddy: Mmmmm...peas...good girl Hailey! You opened your mouth! Now swallow...
M: Mmmm...this green crap is really good...I can't get it in fast enough. I wish Mommy had robot arms that would repeat this motion of spoon in jar, out of jar, and into my mouth a lot quicker!
H: God, you're such a kiss-ass.
M: No, I'm not...I have a much more developed palatte than you and that's why I can handle new foods so much better. Come on...look at poor Daddy...he wants you to like this so much...give him a break!
H: Okay, I'll open my mouth one more time, but then I'm done.
M: Hailey, you still haven't swallowed your first two bites...you'll have no more room!
H: Have you seen these cheeks? I'll have room.
Daddy: Okay, one more bite....mmmmmmm...peas!
H: Yeah...if you say, "mmmmm...peas!" one more time, I'm going to lose it. They still taste horrible! I'm done!
Daddy: One more bite? Oh, she's not opening her mouth anymore...guess we're done.
Mommy: Look! Matthew finished his whole jar! Amazing!
M: (smiling) They like me better!
H: (looking pissed off) That's fine...let them like you better. I'll get more attention by doing this...(proceeding to spit out all three bites of peas)
M: Touche my friend...you win!

I Think I Like What You're Wearing...

I got both babies dressed today and they took a minute to size each other up (meaning they started at each other for a couple of minutes for no particular reason...just staring). Here's my version of what was going on in their heads:

M: Hailey, do you like my outfit?
H: I don't know...isn't it a little butch?
M: I'm a BOY!!!
H: Oh, it makes more sense now...what's a boy?
M: I don't know, but being one means that I get to wear clothing that has footballs on it and that's cool.
H: Okay, whatever...what about mine?
M: It's a little old for you, isn't it?
H: What do you mean?
M: Well, the whole rosebud pattern? It's a little old lady-ish.
H: I see what you mean, but I think I can get away with it b/c I look so young.
M: You do look young.
H: Thanks...I eat a lot of Omega-3 fatty acids.
M: Well, it's doing well for you.
H: So, you never told me whether or not you like it.
M: Well, I wouldn't wear it, but you're really doing it justice.
H: Thanks...now, let's start whining again so Mommy will sing more songs!

Maybe She'll Just Leave Me Here

M: whine, whine...Mommy, I think I'm ready for my nap. Oh, but I'm so comfortable here in my bouncy chair.
Mommy: Okay, looks like you guys are getting ready for naps. I'll go make sure your room is ready.
H: Matt, don't fall asleep yet...Mommy is coming back down for us.
M: Yeah, but this chair is so comfortable. Maybe I'll just close my eyes.
H: whine, whine...I want to fall asleep too, but I can't with all this swinging...don't fall asleep.
M: I'm not...I'm just pretending to sleep...maybe she'll just leave me here.
Mommy: Okay, guys...ready for naps? Oh! Matt, did you already fall asleep.
H: whine...no, he didn't...he's just pretending.
M: Hailey, why'd you make me smile! She almost bought it!
H: Couldn't let you get away with it...I want us to nap at the same time...I don't want you to have any extra time with Mommy.
Mommy: Matthew...I saw that smile...were you just pretending?
M: Hmmmm...yeah...let's go up to sleep...
Mommy: I love you guys!

Are you still there?

7:00 PM - put babies down.

Mommy: Good night...we love you.
Daddy: Good night...sweet dreams.
Hailey (after door closes): Matt...Matt!
Matthew: What? I was already falling asleep!
Hailey: Where do they go when they leave our room?
Matthew: I don't know...probably downstairs?
Hailey: Are you sure?
Matthew: No, but I don't really care...as long as they don't wake me up, I'm happy. They come when we need them anyway. What are you worried about?
Hailey: Nothing really...I just miss them.
Matthew: I'm going to sleep...this is ridiculous.
Hailey: Yeah, I guess I'll try to sleep too. Oh crap...now I've gone and gotten out of my swaddle and can't stop rubbing my eyes...it's keeping me from falling to sleep, but I can't stop doing it!
Matthew: Don't know what to tell you...call Mommy.
Hailey: Yeah...good idea. WAHHHHHHH!!!!

12:00 AM
Hailey (to herself): Hmmm...I'm awake. I don't know why I'm awake, but it sure is dark in here. What happened to the light that Mommy and Daddy left on? It's kind of scary, but I can handle it. I miss Mommy...I wonder what she's doing right now. I think I'll call her. WAAAAHHHHHH!!!
Mommy: Hailey (big smile from Hailey as she throws her legs and arms in the air in the anticipation of being picked up and played with), it's time to go back to sleep. I'm going to wrap you back up so you can go back to sleep.
Hailey: I don't think so woman! Play with me! Play with me! Play with me!
Mommy: Mommy loves you...get some sleep.
Hailey: Well, at least I know she's close by. I think I will go back to sleep...it's so warm and cuddly when she wraps me up!

2:00 AM
Hailey (to herself): Hmmmm...I'm awake again. What to do? What to do? I don't know what to do...there aren't any toys in my crib. They keep this thing more bare than a prison cell. Stupid SIDS...it's ruined all of the fun for the other kids. I'll chew on my blanket for a little while and I can talk to myself at the same time...good times!
Chew, grunt, chew, sing, chew, sneeze, chew, call Matthew, chew, call Daddy, chew, call Mommy, chew, call Matthew even louder.
Matthew: WHAT??? I'm sleeping!!!
Hailey: Wanna play?
Matthew: What are you talking about? We can't play...we can barely roll over! Plus, as I mentioned earlier, I'm sleeping!!!! Go back to bed!
Hailey: I can't...I'm wide awake. You may not believe this, but I have a lot on my mind.
Matthew: Like what?
Hailey: Well, I can't get my thumb into my mouth. I can only roll in one direction. I think I need more formula in my bottles. I really like that rice cereal. My hair isn't growing fast enough. You're my best friend. I love Daddy and Mommy a lot. I want to play!
Matthew: Seriously? You're 4 months old and you're thinking about all of that. This is stupid. I want to go back to bed and you won't stop talking. I'm calling Mommy! WAAAAHHHHH!!!

Mommy (stumbling in all askew): You're both awake? Oh great (sarcastic)...okay, Matthew, here's your binky, go back to sleep. Hailey, did you start all of this? (big smile from Hailey and more talking) We need to go to sleep...it's 2:00 AM! Here you go...all wrapped up and ready to go to bed.
Hailey: Okay Mommy...just because I love you...next time I want to see Daddy though!

Repeat this scenario for several nights in a row...I think we've hit the 4-month sleep regression...oh great!