Tuesday, September 29, 2009

My Butt Hurts

H: Ouch...my butt hurts!
M: Mine too! What the hell is this?
H: Oh no...I have to poop again...
M: Again? That's like the third time this morning!
H: Holy shit!!! It's burning!!! Waaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!
Mommy: Did someone poop?
M: She asks that question a lot.
H: Yeeeaaaaahhhhhh...I did! Please help me! Get it out!!!
Mommy: Okay, let's change your diaper.
H: I'm nervous...that did not feel normal. Please be gentle.
Mommy: Oh, Hailey...this must hurt a little bit.
H: Yikes! A little bit??? What are you wiping me with woman? Sandpaper??? OUCH!!!
Mommy: Almost done...I just need to clean you up a little more. This was a messy one!
H: Holy crap, holy crap, holy crap...must get away.
Hailey proceeds to flip over and crawl away with bare ass out for all to see.
Mommy: Hailey, please come back here...I need to put a diaper on.
H: No freaking way! It hurts too much! I need some air...air will make me better. Please don't touch it again!
Mommy: Come on...it'll be fine.
H: What the hell is on your finger? What's that white stuff? Why are you rubbing it on my butt??? Did I not mention how much it hurts??? OUCHHHHHH!!!
Mommy: Just have to fasten your diaper and then we're done.
H: Oooooh...I kind of like that white stuff. It feels good. Thanks Mommy!
Mommy: All done...go play.
M: Was it that bad?
H: Oh yeah...it was like sitting on hot sand.
M: Yikes...uh oh...
H: Oh no...you too?
M: Yup...holy cow...now I get why you were so upset. This is torture! I'm doing it to myself and I can't stop!!! OUCH!!! WAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! HELP ME!
Mommy: Did someone poop? Who pooped? Matthew? Again? You poor thing!
M: Poor thing, my ass! Why is this happening? Why can't I stop pooping??? OUCH!!!
Mommy: Let's change your diaper.
M: No way! I saw what you did to Hailey and I watched her try to deal with the pain...I'm not that strong. Please don't make me!
Mommy (now lifting Matthew up and onto the blanket which is protecting the rug from all of the poop and escaping kids): Come on...I have to take care of this right away.
M: No, no you don't...I can wait...just let me prepare myself.
Mommy: Ooooh...this one is really bad.
M: No shit! I could have told you that! It's like sitting on a herd of porcupines!
Mommy (now holding Matthew in what could only be described as a wrestling move): Okay, let me clean you up. This will only take a minute if you lie still.
M: No way! I'm outta here! Let me goooooo!!!! I need to get away!
Mommy (now sweating and out of breath): Just one minute...I'm almost done!
M: Mommy...please...I can't take it. I am about to pass out from the pain you're inflicting on me. Why do you hate me so much?
Mommy: Okay, here's a new diaper.
M: Ha...a chance to escape. Here I go!
Mommy (running after Matthew with a diaper and a finger covered with Desi.tin): Please come back here...you're going to pee all over the house if we get a brisk wind and I am not cleaning that up! Not on top of all of this poop! No way!!! GET BACK HERE!!!!
M: Hmmm...maybe I should stop and let her finish. On second thought, this wind feels good on my butt...I'm going to keep going. She'll get me eventually. She always does.
Mommy (finally getting to Matthew after jumping over a strategically placed Hailey and tripping on the dog): Okay, let's finish up.
M: Oh. my. God.!!!!!! What is that white stuff and why are you rubbing on the part of my butt that hurts the most??? What is wrong with you??? Seriously, why do you hate me so much??
Mommy: Okay, all done. Now I just have to get your pants back on.
M (escaping from Mommy's clutches): NO WAY!!! I'm outta here!!!
Mommy (wiping her brow and straightening her clothes): Fine...it's almost nap time anyway.

2 seconds later.

Mommy: Did someone poop?

It's a neverending cycle!!!!!!!!