Touching...no, no, gentle

M: Hailey, you're cute...I just want to squeeze you!
H: Please don't...you always squeeze with your nails and it freaking hurts!
M: Pleeeeaaasssseee...I just love you so much. Can't you see this loving look that I'm giving you?
H: I see it, but I don't know if I believe it. I think you want to see how much pressure you can apply before you break the skin...or break my will...whatever comes firsst.
M: Please...I can't help myself.
H: No.
Matthew ignores her and does it anyway.
M: Oh! You're so cute and squishy!!!
H: OOOOWWWWWWW!!! GET OFF OF ME!!!
M: Does that screaming mean you like it? I'll do it more! Does it feel good when I do this?
Pulls the hair on the back of Hailey's head.
H: NNNNOOOOOOOO! What are you doing? Get off of me! MOMMMM!!!!
Mom: What are you guys doing? Oh, Hailey, he just loves you so much...
M: See? I love you.
Mom: Matthew, be gentle with Hailey...she doesn't like that as much as you think she should.
M: Okay...I'll try again, but this time, I'll go for her face.
H: Oooooowwwww!!! God, someone should cut your nails! Get off of me!!!

M: Okay, but I do love you...I let you touch my face.
H: Yes, but that's because I'm gentle with your face and I let you put my hand in your mouth.
M: True...hey, what does "gentle" mean anyway? Mommy is always telling me to be gentle, but I have no clue what that means.
H: I don't know...
Blank stares at each other...
H: I would assume it's the opposite of what you're doing to me...you're rough dude!
M: I gotta touch you again!
H: MMMMOOOOMMMMM!!!! OW! GET OFF OF ME!
M: I love you!

What IS This Crap?

H: Matthew, here we go again.
M: Oh yay! Wait...what do you mean? It's time to eat, right?
H: Yes, but you know what that means...they're going to try to make us eat something new...again!
M: I like new things! They all taste so yummy and Mommy and Daddy do funny things to make us eat them...they don't need to do that with me...I'll eat anything!
H: Yeah...you're making it harder for me. I think they need to work for it...I'll eat if they really earn it. That's how I roll.
M: You're kind of mean, you know?
H: Not mean...just honest. If it tastes like crap, why am I going to open my mouth again for another bite of crap? Not gonna happen!
M: Oh, give them a break...look at how happy they are...what the hell are peas?
H: Matthew, the stuff in that jar is freaking GREEN! Do they really think that I'll allow that to pass these lips?
M: Mmmmmm....cereal....mmmmmm...can't talk now...gotta demand that the cereal get into my belly faster...mmmmm
H: You're such a pig...it is good though. Alright, enough talking...I'm eating now too....mmmmm.
Mommy: Okay, we're going to try something new!
Daddy: Mmmmm...peas!
H: Freaking great (sarcasm)!
M: No, it IS freaking great...I can't wait! (big smile)
Mommy: Here we go Matt....Zooooommmm....right into your mouth! Oh, I think he likes it!
Daddy: Okay, Hailey...chug-a-chug-a-chug-a-chooooo-choooo! Right into your mouth...oh crap...Hailey, swallow it!
H: No way.
Daddy: Hailey, just give it a shot...it's YUMMY!
H: It tastes like pureed crap...not yummy!
Daddy: Okay, let's try another bite.
H: Why in the world would you think I need another bite after this one is still sitting in my mouth? Are you freaking crazy!?!? Another bite!?!? Who taught you people parenting anyway? The rule is if the baby doesn't like it, then stop what you're doing! What the hell? Oh, here we go...he's trying again...
Daddy: Mmmmm...peas...good girl Hailey! You opened your mouth! Now swallow...
M: Mmmm...this green crap is really good...I can't get it in fast enough. I wish Mommy had robot arms that would repeat this motion of spoon in jar, out of jar, and into my mouth a lot quicker!
H: God, you're such a kiss-ass.
M: No, I'm not...I have a much more developed palatte than you and that's why I can handle new foods so much better. Come on...look at poor Daddy...he wants you to like this so much...give him a break!
H: Okay, I'll open my mouth one more time, but then I'm done.
M: Hailey, you still haven't swallowed your first two bites...you'll have no more room!
H: Have you seen these cheeks? I'll have room.
Daddy: Okay, one more bite....mmmmmmm...peas!
H: Yeah...if you say, "mmmmm...peas!" one more time, I'm going to lose it. They still taste horrible! I'm done!
Daddy: One more bite? Oh, she's not opening her mouth anymore...guess we're done.
Mommy: Look! Matthew finished his whole jar! Amazing!
M: (smiling) They like me better!
H: (looking pissed off) That's fine...let them like you better. I'll get more attention by doing this...(proceeding to spit out all three bites of peas)
M: Touche my friend...you win!

I Think I Like What You're Wearing...

I got both babies dressed today and they took a minute to size each other up (meaning they started at each other for a couple of minutes for no particular reason...just staring). Here's my version of what was going on in their heads:

M: Hailey, do you like my outfit?
H: I don't know...isn't it a little butch?
M: I'm a BOY!!!
H: Oh, it makes more sense now...what's a boy?
M: I don't know, but being one means that I get to wear clothing that has footballs on it and that's cool.
H: Okay, whatever...what about mine?
M: It's a little old for you, isn't it?
H: What do you mean?
M: Well, the whole rosebud pattern? It's a little old lady-ish.
H: I see what you mean, but I think I can get away with it b/c I look so young.
M: You do look young.
H: Thanks...I eat a lot of Omega-3 fatty acids.
M: Well, it's doing well for you.
H: So, you never told me whether or not you like it.
M: Well, I wouldn't wear it, but you're really doing it justice.
H: Thanks...now, let's start whining again so Mommy will sing more songs!

Maybe She'll Just Leave Me Here

M: whine, whine...Mommy, I think I'm ready for my nap. Oh, but I'm so comfortable here in my bouncy chair.
Mommy: Okay, looks like you guys are getting ready for naps. I'll go make sure your room is ready.
H: Matt, don't fall asleep yet...Mommy is coming back down for us.
M: Yeah, but this chair is so comfortable. Maybe I'll just close my eyes.
H: whine, whine...I want to fall asleep too, but I can't with all this swinging...don't fall asleep.
M: I'm not...I'm just pretending to sleep...maybe she'll just leave me here.
Mommy: Okay, guys...ready for naps? Oh! Matt, did you already fall asleep.
H: whine...no, he didn't...he's just pretending.
M: Hailey, why'd you make me smile! She almost bought it!
H: Couldn't let you get away with it...I want us to nap at the same time...I don't want you to have any extra time with Mommy.
Mommy: Matthew...I saw that smile...were you just pretending?
M: Hmmmm...yeah...let's go up to sleep...
Mommy: I love you guys!

Are you still there?

7:00 PM - put babies down.

Mommy: Good night...we love you.
Daddy: Good night...sweet dreams.
Hailey (after door closes): Matt...Matt!
Matthew: What? I was already falling asleep!
Hailey: Where do they go when they leave our room?
Matthew: I don't know...probably downstairs?
Hailey: Are you sure?
Matthew: No, but I don't really care...as long as they don't wake me up, I'm happy. They come when we need them anyway. What are you worried about?
Hailey: Nothing really...I just miss them.
Matthew: I'm going to sleep...this is ridiculous.
Hailey: Yeah, I guess I'll try to sleep too. Oh crap...now I've gone and gotten out of my swaddle and can't stop rubbing my eyes...it's keeping me from falling to sleep, but I can't stop doing it!
Matthew: Don't know what to tell you...call Mommy.
Hailey: Yeah...good idea. WAHHHHHHH!!!!

12:00 AM
Hailey (to herself): Hmmm...I'm awake. I don't know why I'm awake, but it sure is dark in here. What happened to the light that Mommy and Daddy left on? It's kind of scary, but I can handle it. I miss Mommy...I wonder what she's doing right now. I think I'll call her. WAAAAHHHHHH!!!
Mommy: Hailey (big smile from Hailey as she throws her legs and arms in the air in the anticipation of being picked up and played with), it's time to go back to sleep. I'm going to wrap you back up so you can go back to sleep.
Hailey: I don't think so woman! Play with me! Play with me! Play with me!
Mommy: Mommy loves you...get some sleep.
Hailey: Well, at least I know she's close by. I think I will go back to sleep...it's so warm and cuddly when she wraps me up!

2:00 AM
Hailey (to herself): Hmmmm...I'm awake again. What to do? What to do? I don't know what to do...there aren't any toys in my crib. They keep this thing more bare than a prison cell. Stupid SIDS...it's ruined all of the fun for the other kids. I'll chew on my blanket for a little while and I can talk to myself at the same time...good times!
Chew, grunt, chew, sing, chew, sneeze, chew, call Matthew, chew, call Daddy, chew, call Mommy, chew, call Matthew even louder.
Matthew: WHAT??? I'm sleeping!!!
Hailey: Wanna play?
Matthew: What are you talking about? We can't play...we can barely roll over! Plus, as I mentioned earlier, I'm sleeping!!!! Go back to bed!
Hailey: I can't...I'm wide awake. You may not believe this, but I have a lot on my mind.
Matthew: Like what?
Hailey: Well, I can't get my thumb into my mouth. I can only roll in one direction. I think I need more formula in my bottles. I really like that rice cereal. My hair isn't growing fast enough. You're my best friend. I love Daddy and Mommy a lot. I want to play!
Matthew: Seriously? You're 4 months old and you're thinking about all of that. This is stupid. I want to go back to bed and you won't stop talking. I'm calling Mommy! WAAAAHHHHH!!!

Mommy (stumbling in all askew): You're both awake? Oh great (sarcastic)...okay, Matthew, here's your binky, go back to sleep. Hailey, did you start all of this? (big smile from Hailey and more talking) We need to go to sleep...it's 2:00 AM! Here you go...all wrapped up and ready to go to bed.
Hailey: Okay Mommy...just because I love you...next time I want to see Daddy though!

Repeat this scenario for several nights in a row...I think we've hit the 4-month sleep regression...oh great!

Mom, I feel like crap...by Matthew

M: MOM!!! I FEEL LIKE CRAP!!! SOMETHING IS IN MY NOSE AND I CAN'T BREATHE AND I CAN'T SLEEP AND I CAN'T SWALLOW...SOMETHING IS WRONG MOM...PLEASE COME AND HOLD ME AND NEVER PUT ME DOWN.
Mommy: Oh, my poor baby...you must feel horrible. Let me take your temperature...yes, that's right...this is going into your butt hole.
M: ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME??? I TOLD YOU I FEEL BAD...NOT THAT I DESERVE TO BE PUNISHED!!!
Mommy: Oh, you have a temperature...my poor baby. We'll take good care of you. First, I must wipe your face continually with this tissue so that your snot doesn't run into your mouth because that's gross.
M: THAT'S GROSS? LET IT RUN AND CONCENTRATE ON HOLDING ME!!!
Mommy: Now, isn't that better? I need to sit down now because my back is about to give out.
M: SIT DOWN? I THINK NOT! I MUST BE ROCKED CONSTANTLY WITH A FULL BODY MOTION. DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT SITTING DOWN AND ROCKING ME BECAUSE I'LL KNOW THE DIFFERENCE!
Mommy: Oh, why are you crying? Here...we'll make you a bottle...
M: OKAY...THIS I LIKE!
Mommy: I'm going to put you in the bouncer for a little while because I need to use the bathroom and clean up a little bit. Oh, and there is this other baby that I'm supposed to be caring for too...just one minute.
M: NO WAY JOSE! PICK ME UP!!! PICK ME UP!!! PICK ME UP!!! PICK ME UP!!! PICK ME UP!!! PICK ME UP!!! PICK ME UP!!! PICK ME UP!!! PICK ME UP!!! PICK ME UP!!!
Mommy: Guess that's not working...how about a nap.
M: I AM QUITE TIRED, BUT I'M GOING TO SUFFER THROUGH THE ENTIRE THING UNLESS YOU LET ME FALL ASLEEP IN YOUR ARMS. OH, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO DO THAT? WELL, THEN YOU'LL BE COMING UP HERE 20 TIMES TO PUT THE PACIFIER BACK INTO MY MOUTH...

A little while longer...

M: MMMM...THAT NAP FELT GOOD. WHAT? WHY CAN'T I BREATHE!!! MOMMY SAID SHE'D MAKE ME ALL BETTER...WHY DO I STILL FEEL LIKE CRAP? CAN SOMEONE GET ME OUT OF THIS CRIB AND INTO MOMMY'S ARMS???
Mommy: Did you have a good nap? You're having a rough time, aren't you?
M: LADY, THAT'S THE UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE YEAR. AT LEAST YOU PEOPLE CAN TAKE MEDICINE...YOU EXPECT A HUMIDIFIER TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER! I THINK NOT! I NEED DRUGS...GIVE ME THE DRUGS...I NEED DRUGS!!!!
Mommy: It's time for a bath now...this should clear you out a little bit.
M: OH YEAH...JUST WHAT I NEED...TO TAKE OFF ALL OF MY CLOTHES AND SIT IN A VAT OF LUKE WARM WATER...YEAH, SOUNDS REALLY RELAXING...WAIT. WHAT'S THIS? WHAT DID YOU GUYS PUT IN THE WATER? I DON'T RECOGNIZE THAT GREEN BOTTLE...V-A-P-O-R-I-Z-I-N-G? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? YOU KNOW WHAT? WHO CARES? IT FEELS GREAT! I CAN BREATHE AGAIN!!! WHOOPEE!
Mommy: Time to get out of the bath so I can finish up with your sister.
M: SCREW HER...I'M SICK...I GET ALL OF THE BATH TIME...NOOOOO...PUT ME BACK IN THERE!!!
Mommy: Just wait here until Daddy and I are done with Hailey.
M: I DON'T WANT THIS SOOTHIE THING! I WANT MY BATH BACK!!! PLEASE!!!!
Mommy: Okay, one more bottle and then bedtime. Oh, you got yourself so upset during your bath that you're all stuffed up again. Calm down...calm down.
M: GIVE ME THE FREAKING BOTTLE AND I'LL CALM DOWN. A COLD TAKES A LOT OUT OF ME!
Mommy: Just a little at a time...you can't breathe and drink at the same time.
M: THE HELL I CAN'T...JUST LET ME TRY...I KNOW I CAN DO IT!

Time for bed...
Mommy: Good night sweet boy...I love you.
M: YOU GUYS ARE SCREWED TONIGHT...I'LL NEVER SLEEP...STOP PUTTING THAT PACIFIER BACK IN MY MOUTH! YES, IT SOOTHES ME AND CALMS ME DOWN, BUT IF THOSE TWO HOLES ARE CLOGGED AND YOU STICK SOMETHING IN THE THIRD, I'M OUTTA OPTIONS LADY!
Mommy: Okay, I'll let you hold me hand.
M: THANKS MOM...I NEED THAT FOR A LITTLE WHILE. I JUST WANT TO KNOW YOU'RE HERE...GETTING SLEEPY...LOVE YOU MOMMY.

He woke up every hour on the hour that night, but he is fighting his way through this cold...his first. Daddy and I are now infected with whatever virus is coming out of our son (from all orifices), but Hailey is healthy as of now (knock wood). He's a good boy...he's just miserable.

Staying In/Going Out

Tuesday Morning:

H: Matt, it's going to be crappy weather today, so we're going to stay inside...make sure to be awake as much as possible so that we can hang out with Mommy.
M: Good idea...she loves when we're awake and hates when we sleep. She doesn't want to do anything around the house anyway! She must be so sad because when she comes to get us, she smiles at us like crazy...
H: This is going to be her favorite day ever...you'd better not sleep too long!
M: Don't worry...I know how much Mommy wants to play with us all day! I won't let her down!

On Tuesday the naps lasts for 40-45 minutes and the babies wanted to be up the rest of the time. I'm not against spending time with them, but I need a break sometimes!!! In their favor, they were pleasant to be around and only got really ornery when I was at tutoring and Daddy was taking care of them.

Wednesday Morning:

H: Matt, I heard Mommy say that she wanted to get out of the house today and finish up some stuff for Christmas.
M: What? It's freaking cold out there!
H: Yeah, let's sleep for a really long time, wake up to eat, and then go back to sleep.
M: I'm with you sister!