My Butt Hurts

H: Ouch...my butt hurts!
M: Mine too! What the hell is this?
H: Oh no...I have to poop again...
M: Again? That's like the third time this morning!
H: Holy shit!!! It's burning!!! Waaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!
Mommy: Did someone poop?
M: She asks that question a lot.
H: Yeeeaaaaahhhhhh...I did! Please help me! Get it out!!!
Mommy: Okay, let's change your diaper.
H: I'm nervous...that did not feel normal. Please be gentle.
Mommy: Oh, Hailey...this must hurt a little bit.
H: Yikes! A little bit??? What are you wiping me with woman? Sandpaper??? OUCH!!!
Mommy: Almost done...I just need to clean you up a little more. This was a messy one!
H: Holy crap, holy crap, holy crap...must get away.
Hailey proceeds to flip over and crawl away with bare ass out for all to see.
Mommy: Hailey, please come back here...I need to put a diaper on.
H: No freaking way! It hurts too much! I need some air...air will make me better. Please don't touch it again!
Mommy: Come on...it'll be fine.
H: What the hell is on your finger? What's that white stuff? Why are you rubbing it on my butt??? Did I not mention how much it hurts??? OUCHHHHHH!!!
Mommy: Just have to fasten your diaper and then we're done.
H: Oooooh...I kind of like that white stuff. It feels good. Thanks Mommy!
Mommy: All done...go play.
M: Was it that bad?
H: Oh yeah...it was like sitting on hot sand.
M: Yikes...uh oh...
H: Oh no...you too?
M: Yup...holy cow...now I get why you were so upset. This is torture! I'm doing it to myself and I can't stop!!! OUCH!!! WAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! HELP ME!
Mommy: Did someone poop? Who pooped? Matthew? Again? You poor thing!
M: Poor thing, my ass! Why is this happening? Why can't I stop pooping??? OUCH!!!
Mommy: Let's change your diaper.
M: No way! I saw what you did to Hailey and I watched her try to deal with the pain...I'm not that strong. Please don't make me!
Mommy (now lifting Matthew up and onto the blanket which is protecting the rug from all of the poop and escaping kids): Come on...I have to take care of this right away.
M: No, no you don't...I can wait...just let me prepare myself.
Mommy: Ooooh...this one is really bad.
M: No shit! I could have told you that! It's like sitting on a herd of porcupines!
Mommy (now holding Matthew in what could only be described as a wrestling move): Okay, let me clean you up. This will only take a minute if you lie still.
M: No way! I'm outta here! Let me goooooo!!!! I need to get away!
Mommy (now sweating and out of breath): Just one minute...I'm almost done!
M: Mommy...please...I can't take it. I am about to pass out from the pain you're inflicting on me. Why do you hate me so much?
Mommy: Okay, here's a new diaper.
M: Ha...a chance to escape. Here I go!
Mommy (running after Matthew with a diaper and a finger covered with Desi.tin): Please come back here...you're going to pee all over the house if we get a brisk wind and I am not cleaning that up! Not on top of all of this poop! No way!!! GET BACK HERE!!!!
M: Hmmm...maybe I should stop and let her finish. On second thought, this wind feels good on my butt...I'm going to keep going. She'll get me eventually. She always does.
Mommy (finally getting to Matthew after jumping over a strategically placed Hailey and tripping on the dog): Okay, let's finish up.
M: Oh. my. God.!!!!!! What is that white stuff and why are you rubbing on the part of my butt that hurts the most??? What is wrong with you??? Seriously, why do you hate me so much??
Mommy: Okay, all done. Now I just have to get your pants back on.
M (escaping from Mommy's clutches): NO WAY!!! I'm outta here!!!
Mommy (wiping her brow and straightening her clothes): Fine...it's almost nap time anyway.

2 seconds later.

Mommy: Did someone poop?

It's a neverending cycle!!!!!!!!

Oh My God...I am soooo hungover!

Setting: Our house, the day after our first birthday party.

H: Good Morning, Matt!
M: Ugh...what's good about it? I'm exhausted!
H: Maybe that's because you kept waking up last night...what's up with that? Then I have to cry too and Mommy and Daddy come in to say hi.
M: I don't know...I kept waking up because my mouth hurts. Why do we have these pieces of bone that keep jutting through our gums? These are ridiculously painful!
H: I don't know...they're not that bad. Apparently we need them to eat more food.
M: I eat a lot of food now!

Mommy enters the room.

H: Hi Mommy! Here's my bink! I love you!
M: Waaaaaahhhhh...don't take my bink! Don't take my lovey! Don't change my diaper! I feel horrible! I need something to eat!

Mommy takes us downstairs and gives us our sippies and snack cups. We're pretty sure that she does this to keep us quiet for a little while, but she won't admit it.
M: Mmmmm...soooooo good! Give me your cup too!
H: NO! I'm hungry too...oh fine. You're just going to take it anyway!
M: What should we do today?
H: Let's play with all of our new toys!
M: Fine. As long as I don't have to move too far, I'm in. I'm exhausted...have I mentioned that?
H: Yeah...I think you covered that. Look...Daddy is taking something out of a box. That's always good.
M: Ouch! That noise is hurting my head! I think I drank too much last night...either that or had too much cake! Ouch! Is he almost done?
H: Yes, you wimp...ridiculous. I'm going to help Daddy while Mommy makes breakfast.
M: Mmmmm...breakfast. I hope it's eggs with jam toast and banana...I like how Mommy makes the banana talk to us before he takes his "clothes" off. That's funny!
H: Easily entertained, aren't you?
M: Mmmhmm.

H: I love to help Daddy. I wonder what this is going to be...a garage? Great...I love cars!
M: I know...it's weird that you're a girl and you love cars. It's kind of cool of you!
H: I'll bet if you had been a girl, I never would have known about my love of cars.
M: Probably not. Let's sit down for breakfast. I'm starving and hopefully some food will make me feel better!
H: What's coming? What's coming? I'm so excited!
M: Me too...I just can't show it b/c of my hangover!
H: It's a banana!!! I freaking love these things!
M: Lemme see!
M: Forget about the banana...I want to play peek-a-boo.
H: You're not too good at it...you can still see! Here's how you really do it!
M: Okay...let me try again.
H: Good luck...this is a very important skill. You heard the doctor ask Mommy about it. We don't want her to worry!
M: Okay...less pressure is always nice, huh?
M: How's this?
H: Better...give it one more try!
M: Did I do it??
H: YES!!! I'm so proud of you! How are you feeling?
M: Better now...I just needed something in my stomach. I love that you're proud of me. You're the best sister!
H: Thanks...I like you too!

A Monday Blog from Hailey

So, Mommy is letting me use the computer. She's helping me a little, but I can basically do it on my own now. I can do a lot of things on my own. There are several things that I would like to blog about today. One is my birthday. The second is how crazy my brother is. A third is our premier trip to Toys R Us!

I am going to one year old tomorrow. I am very excited. Mommy bought us shirts and we are going to party...I'll post pictures after tomorrow. Mommy said she is going to let us have balloons and cupcakes! I can't wait! I can tell you how old I am going to be. Here I am:


I can also do "so big" and play peek-a-boo, but I don't want to brag.

Okay, on to my brother. He is completely nuts! He is funny, but he is nuts at the same time. I guess that's reasonable though because most crazy people are funny! I know that from all of my life experience...if you weren't reading carefully, I am going to be one...I know a lot now!

My brother does crazy things like sticks his fingers in the dog's mouth, screams at the top of his lungs while chasing Mommy, and tries to get away from her during diaper changes so he can crawl around naked. The strangest things though consist of his love of Brie's doggie bed and his new fascination with gloves. It's August for God's sake...put the gloves away!










I still love him though...for all the times he knocks me over, uses me head as a drum, and steals my food/toys/books/hugs...I still love him.

Now, onto our first trip ever to Toys R Us. I think we're going to like this place, but I heard Mommy telling someone that she thinks it will turn into "her own personal Hell." I don't know why she said that...I think that place is soooo cool! Actually, I would have had a lot more fun if they'd actually let us out of the stroller. What kind of people bring kids to Toys R Us and make them sit in the stroller? I'll tell you who...mean people! Just kidding...they're cool!

I definitely looked a little bored in these pictures, but make no mistake, I was having a good time. I just like to play it cool so no one knows my true feelings...I'm fly like that! See how I put my foot over the bar in the stroller...very noncholant, right? I'm singing like a bird inside though! Trust me on that one!!!

That's all for now...thanks for checking in!

Matt's Back from Vacation

Hello blog-world...it's Matt. We went on vacation to Long Island and hung out with lots of people. I'm not gonna lie...I loved all of the attention, but I was really missing my house. I couldn't wait to get home and lie around in my diapers and drool on the floors without feeling the guilt that you feel when you do it at someone else's house, ya know?

Mommy took a couple of pictures when we first got home...I figured I'd share them and put my own personal touch on each one. Enjoy!

We just got home and I have soooo much laundry to do.
Better get working on that!

Haha....yeah right! That cracked me up!

Hailey was so happy to be home that she filled this cardboard box with Chardonnay and chugged it. That girl knows how to partayyyyyy!!!

Is my dinner in here? Is anyone going to feed me?
What the hell is this thing anyway???

Our Newest Toy...the dog!

Hailey: Brie, will you play with me?
Brie: I don't play with children...they're beneath me...literally and figuratively.
Hailey: Please?
Brie: Okay, but only because you're cute and I believe that I'm smarter than you.

Matthew: Mom, I'm getting on the dog bed again. I don't care if I don't know how to get off. I want to be on the dog bed. Wait! Brie's on here! I need to get her off!
Brie: Are we really going to play this game again?Brie: Okay, now that you've gotten me out of bed, I'll play.
Matt: YAY!!!! Let's play with fishy...all of my toys are too new and clean.
Matt: Hey! Licking wasn't part of the deal!!! Gross!!!
Brie: I can't help it. You taste like lunch!
Matt: Maybe if I crouch down on the ground, she won't notice me any more.
Brie: That's right...get lower...you're more vulnerable that way!

Hailey: What the hell is that? It's gross! I am not playing with that.
Brie: Come on...you're so cute and delicate. Please play with me!

Hailey: Okay, what do we do?
Matt: We hold fishy and try to let Brie get it. When she does, we laugh and try to pull it out of her mouth.
Brie: Gee, this game sounds really fun for me, huh?

Matt: No, Brie, like this...just mush your face into fishy...don't try to eat her!
Hailey: If Brie doesn't understand the game, what's the point?
Brie: I understand the game...I just think it sucks.

Matt: Hailey, pet her head, like this.
Hailey: Get off of me!!!
Brie: This game is going nowhere really fast! Hailey, I'll try to save you...we can be on the same team.
Hailey: Yeah Brie! You knocked him over! I didn't even know you were allowed to do that! We win!
Brie: Yeah we do...
Matt: Hey! This isn't what I had in mind when I asked you two to play!

Hailey: Come on...how hard can it be to get fishy away from Brie?
Brie: You never know Little One. I might surprise you!

Hailey: Nah, I win and it was easy...just because you're bigger doesn't mean you're smarter!
Brie: You sure are cute though...can I just give you a little lick?
Hailey: Gross!!
Hailey: No licking...that's not how I roll. It's gross and unsanitary. Please go get me a wipe.


Matt: Here Brie! Wanna play with my toys??? I love you!
Brie: I love you guys too. I know I always seem annoyed when you poke me in the eyes or pull my whiskers, but I'm so glad you're finally playing with me!

Want it? Well, you can't have it! Ha!

The Coveted Piece of Soggy Graham Cracker

Matt: Hailey, want the rest of my graham cracker? I think I can reach.
Hailey: That's so nice of you! I'd love it!
Matt: Okay, reach your hand out and it's yours!

Matt: Mom, I'm not sure I want to give it to her anymore.
Hailey: But you said you would...that makes me sad.
Matt: It looks so yummy though...I'm conflicted. Should I? Shouldn't I?
Hailey: You should...you should give it to me!!!

Matt: I'm so sorry...I can't hold out. This piece of soggy graham cracker needs to be in my mouth. I didn't mean to lead you on...I just need it!

Hailey: So, I get nothing? NOTHING??? This is ridiculous!

I think we need to start working on sharing...

The Perfect Picture...is there any such thing?

So, we were getting ready for one of our infamous photo shoots. The babies are finally big enough to wear these onesies from their Uncle Z who lives in Nebraska. I thought it would be nice to send him a picture of them wearing his gift. Hailey volunteered to be the director of the photo shoot and Matthew grudgingly agreed to take her direction. Here goes nothing!

H: Oh, you're ready? You didn't say you were ready! Can I get a little more notice next time? Do you see what I'm dealing with here?
M: Mmmm...shapes taste good.

H: Okay, Matt, when Mommy counts to three, smile.
M: Okay...I smiled.
H: NO, NO, NO...smile AND look at the camera.
M: Hmmm...okay, thanks for being more specific this time. I'll do better!

H: Here we go again...Matt, get ready.
M: Okay...we'll get it this time. Oh wait...more shapes...gotta taste them too!
H: Arrrrggghhhh...you screwed it up again!!!

M: Mommy, Hailey keeps yelling at me! I'm trying to smile, but then she tells me to look at the camera at the same time and I get all confused!
H: Mom, I'm just doing what you want me to do. I really don't know what his problem is. He keeps playing with his shapes...what is the deal with that?

M: Mom, make her stop!
H: Listen, if you do what I say when I say it, we'll stop because Mommy will have a picture to send to Uncle Z...get it?
M: Yes, I'm back on board!

H: Seriously...why am I trying so hard!?!? You're not even smiling!!! He's going to think we hate these onesies!!!
M: Mom, I'm so sad...Hailey is yelling at me and I'm really trying. Don't you think this face is cute too? Does it always have to be a smile?
H: Ugh...he's impossible to work with!

H: Seriously, Mom!!! He's trying to crawl away! How am I supposed to work with this?
M: I wasn't crawling away...I wanted to touch Mommy's leg.
H: WHY???
M: I dunno...I love her.
H: Yeah, me too...WAIT! I'm still mad at you for ruining another picture!
M: Sorry...I'll get it this time. I'll concentrate...I promise.

H: SMILE!!!!

M: Nice job, Hailey...we're both smiling!
H: WHAT??? My eyes were closed??? I screwed up this one? That's it! I quit!
M: She was the best director I ever worked with. Let's do this again!