Mom, I feel like crap...by Matthew

M: MOM!!! I FEEL LIKE CRAP!!! SOMETHING IS IN MY NOSE AND I CAN'T BREATHE AND I CAN'T SLEEP AND I CAN'T SWALLOW...SOMETHING IS WRONG MOM...PLEASE COME AND HOLD ME AND NEVER PUT ME DOWN.
Mommy: Oh, my poor baby...you must feel horrible. Let me take your temperature...yes, that's right...this is going into your butt hole.
M: ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME??? I TOLD YOU I FEEL BAD...NOT THAT I DESERVE TO BE PUNISHED!!!
Mommy: Oh, you have a temperature...my poor baby. We'll take good care of you. First, I must wipe your face continually with this tissue so that your snot doesn't run into your mouth because that's gross.
M: THAT'S GROSS? LET IT RUN AND CONCENTRATE ON HOLDING ME!!!
Mommy: Now, isn't that better? I need to sit down now because my back is about to give out.
M: SIT DOWN? I THINK NOT! I MUST BE ROCKED CONSTANTLY WITH A FULL BODY MOTION. DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT SITTING DOWN AND ROCKING ME BECAUSE I'LL KNOW THE DIFFERENCE!
Mommy: Oh, why are you crying? Here...we'll make you a bottle...
M: OKAY...THIS I LIKE!
Mommy: I'm going to put you in the bouncer for a little while because I need to use the bathroom and clean up a little bit. Oh, and there is this other baby that I'm supposed to be caring for too...just one minute.
M: NO WAY JOSE! PICK ME UP!!! PICK ME UP!!! PICK ME UP!!! PICK ME UP!!! PICK ME UP!!! PICK ME UP!!! PICK ME UP!!! PICK ME UP!!! PICK ME UP!!! PICK ME UP!!!
Mommy: Guess that's not working...how about a nap.
M: I AM QUITE TIRED, BUT I'M GOING TO SUFFER THROUGH THE ENTIRE THING UNLESS YOU LET ME FALL ASLEEP IN YOUR ARMS. OH, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO DO THAT? WELL, THEN YOU'LL BE COMING UP HERE 20 TIMES TO PUT THE PACIFIER BACK INTO MY MOUTH...

A little while longer...

M: MMMM...THAT NAP FELT GOOD. WHAT? WHY CAN'T I BREATHE!!! MOMMY SAID SHE'D MAKE ME ALL BETTER...WHY DO I STILL FEEL LIKE CRAP? CAN SOMEONE GET ME OUT OF THIS CRIB AND INTO MOMMY'S ARMS???
Mommy: Did you have a good nap? You're having a rough time, aren't you?
M: LADY, THAT'S THE UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE YEAR. AT LEAST YOU PEOPLE CAN TAKE MEDICINE...YOU EXPECT A HUMIDIFIER TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER! I THINK NOT! I NEED DRUGS...GIVE ME THE DRUGS...I NEED DRUGS!!!!
Mommy: It's time for a bath now...this should clear you out a little bit.
M: OH YEAH...JUST WHAT I NEED...TO TAKE OFF ALL OF MY CLOTHES AND SIT IN A VAT OF LUKE WARM WATER...YEAH, SOUNDS REALLY RELAXING...WAIT. WHAT'S THIS? WHAT DID YOU GUYS PUT IN THE WATER? I DON'T RECOGNIZE THAT GREEN BOTTLE...V-A-P-O-R-I-Z-I-N-G? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? YOU KNOW WHAT? WHO CARES? IT FEELS GREAT! I CAN BREATHE AGAIN!!! WHOOPEE!
Mommy: Time to get out of the bath so I can finish up with your sister.
M: SCREW HER...I'M SICK...I GET ALL OF THE BATH TIME...NOOOOO...PUT ME BACK IN THERE!!!
Mommy: Just wait here until Daddy and I are done with Hailey.
M: I DON'T WANT THIS SOOTHIE THING! I WANT MY BATH BACK!!! PLEASE!!!!
Mommy: Okay, one more bottle and then bedtime. Oh, you got yourself so upset during your bath that you're all stuffed up again. Calm down...calm down.
M: GIVE ME THE FREAKING BOTTLE AND I'LL CALM DOWN. A COLD TAKES A LOT OUT OF ME!
Mommy: Just a little at a time...you can't breathe and drink at the same time.
M: THE HELL I CAN'T...JUST LET ME TRY...I KNOW I CAN DO IT!

Time for bed...
Mommy: Good night sweet boy...I love you.
M: YOU GUYS ARE SCREWED TONIGHT...I'LL NEVER SLEEP...STOP PUTTING THAT PACIFIER BACK IN MY MOUTH! YES, IT SOOTHES ME AND CALMS ME DOWN, BUT IF THOSE TWO HOLES ARE CLOGGED AND YOU STICK SOMETHING IN THE THIRD, I'M OUTTA OPTIONS LADY!
Mommy: Okay, I'll let you hold me hand.
M: THANKS MOM...I NEED THAT FOR A LITTLE WHILE. I JUST WANT TO KNOW YOU'RE HERE...GETTING SLEEPY...LOVE YOU MOMMY.

He woke up every hour on the hour that night, but he is fighting his way through this cold...his first. Daddy and I are now infected with whatever virus is coming out of our son (from all orifices), but Hailey is healthy as of now (knock wood). He's a good boy...he's just miserable.