I Can Stay Up Longer Than You Can...

H: Matt, Mommy and Daddy are cleaning...what's up with that?
M: I don't know...that rarely happens...I thought I heard Daddy say something about someone coming to visit.
H: Oh sweet! I can't wait to meet new people. I mean Mommy and Daddy are okay, but we need some new faces, you know?
M: I'm with you...you can only smile at the same person so many times before it feels contrived!
H: Okay, let's pretend to nap for a while and we can talk about how we're going to act cute for our guests...we really need to sell it!

One hour later...

H: Okay, they're getting here soon...let's get Mommy and Daddy to feed us so we're all ready for our guests.
M: Yeah baby! I'm starved! Mommy just got out of the shower though...shouldn't we wait for her to get her makeup on?
H: Alright, but she's not drying her hair!
M: Deal...

10 minutes later...

M: WAAAHHHH!!!!
H: WAH! WAH! WAH!!

Daddy comes in, changes the babies, and brings them downstairs. Mommy is bitching about how she's going to look like a drowned rat and Daddy is trying to calm her down by telling her she looks great...she knows the truth, but has no choice but to feed the babies.

15 minutes later...the guests arrive.

M: Hailey, they're here!
H: I know...and we're not even finished eating! Quick, finish your bottle so we can greet them!
M: Slurp, slurp, grunt, slurp...
H: Okay, I'm done...oh no...I've got a gigantic bubble in my chest. Time to deal with all of that patting.
M: I'm done...BURP! Good, now I'm done with that too. Look, they love us...they think we're cute!
H: I can't...trying to burp...ugh...this hurts!
M: I'm getting passed off...quick Hailey...don't get left behind!
H: BURP!!! Okay, who wants me...oh no...I spit up...now no one will want to hold me!!!
M: Hahahahahaha!!! That sucks for you!
H: Oh no...Mommy is changing my outfit...in front of our guests! I'm so embarrassed!!!
M: Who cares? I'd take my clothes off for free right now!
H: Animal!

One hour later...

H: I'm so tired...I can barely keep my eyes open.
M: I know...I keep pinching myself so that I can stay downstairs with our new friends.
H: That's a good idea...oh no...too late...they're taking me upstairs!
M: So long sucker!

15 minutes later...

M: Oh no...they're putting me in the swing so they can eat...I can't fight it...need to sleep...maybe just for a little while...zzzzzzzzzz.....
H: Okay, time to get up! Who wants to hold me! What? You're eating dinner now? You're putting me in the bouncy? Why the hell did I get up then? This sucks! Matt...wake up!
M: Wha? What happened? What's going on? How did you get back down here? How long was I asleep? Why did you wake me up?
H: This is an emergency...they're eating and no one is holding us!
M: You're kidding...we can't stand for this!
H: I know...do something!!!
M: WAHHHHHHH! That should do it.
H: Ummmm...I think they're ignoring you thinking you might go back to sleep...look, here comes Daddy and he's putting the plastic thing back in your mouth...guess it didn't work!
M: Oh yeah? Wait until you see how red my face gets...guaranteed he get worried.
H: Holy cow! That's not normal! He's telling Mommy...they probably think you're choking or something.
M: Okay, that was the longest I held my breath - EVER! Cool...Mommy is going to pick me up...I'm going to eat with the adults! What is "eating" anyway?
H: You sold me out with your "red face" act. I need to think of something...

15 minutes later...

H: Ooooh! Everyone is coming back into the living room! Hello all! How was dinner? Who me? I'm fine...just hanging out.
M: Look, they're making bottles.
H: I wouldn't be so excited...at this time of night and since we've slept so little, bottles will do nothing but make us tired.
M: Oh crap...I forgot about that.

20 minutes later...

H & M: So sleepy...bottles soooo good...can't stay awake...good night guests.
M: Great, they're changing us in front of our guests again.
H: NOT THE DIAPERS!!! IS NOTHING SACRED???

30 minutes later...babies are upstairs and have actually fallen asleep...they hear the guests leaving...

H & M: GOOD NIGHT GUESTS...THANKS FOR COMING OVER AND HOLDING US!!!

This translates to Mommy and Daddy as "wah, wah, wah...we're up again" and they come running upstairs to put us to sleep.

H: I bet I can stay up longer than you tonight...Mommy and Daddy want to spend more time with me...I just know it.
M: Good luck with that...I'm going to sleep!
H: wah, wah, wah...yes, my slaves...tuck me in again...hahahahaa!

Hand Holding

H: Matthew, I really like when you hold my hand.
M: I know...that's why I do it.
H: You're a good brother.
M: Thanks...love you...

Does she really think that taking us shopping will help?

M: I can't believe she's putting us down for our morning nap...I'm not really tired.
H: Well, I am...I'm going to sleep for about 45 minutes. Wake me up then, okay?
M: Okay...I'll just lie here and grunt. Oh cool...Mommy's getting in the shower...she'll be up for anything.


45 minutes later


M: Hailey, wake up!
H: What's that sound?
M: I think Mommy went down to dry her hair...she didn't want to wake us up.
H: Silly Mommy...doesn't she know there's a clock in here...we are in control of our own sleep patterns... not her!
M: Let's get out of here...WAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!
H: Wah! Wah! Wah! I'm still a little tired...I'll let you do most of the work!
M: WAAAAAAHHHH!!! ARRRRGHHHHH!!!

Mommy enters the room...hair half dry and half wet.

M: Oh Mom...that's a new look!
H: Gross! I hope she's not leaving it like that!
M: Oh great...she's wrapping me back up like a burrito...why does she do this?
H: She's shoving that stupid plastic thing in my mouth!!! Gross...I'll spit it back out! Shit! She's shoving it back in! I'll allow it only because I don't want her hair staying like that!

10 minutes later

M: I'm freaking BORED!!!
H: Me too...what do you think she'll do with us if we get up right now?
M: Let's find out! WWWWAAAAAHHHHHH!!!

Mommy enters...hair is now dry, but quite frizzy...she hasn't gotten to the straightening iron yet.

Mommy: Okay, guys...let's get out of here. I have to get dressed and then we'll get moving.
H: Get moving? What the hell does that mean?
M: Maybe she's going to make us lie on our tummies again...I'm getting pretty good at that.
H: Well, I'm not! I just lie there and lick and blanket!
M: I am the best...I get my head so much higher than you! I puke a lot, but I'm still better than you.
H: That's because I'm not trying! Ooooh, I just pooped. Mommy should enjoy that little surprise. She always acts so happy about poop...it's poop! What's so exciting?
M: It's exciting for me!
H: You're weird.

Mommy enters...she's now dressed, hair is straight, and she smells yummy. Babies get changed, into carriers, into car, and into Kohl's. Babies are great at Kohl's...they are cute for all of the interested parties and don't cry the whole time. They even allow Mommy to pile things up so that they can't see her anymore. It's only because there are Christmas presents for them in the bottom of the stroller. Then we walk to the car and they start bawling...must be getting close to feeding time at the zoo.

M: Cool, we're home...I'm freaking starving!
H: Me too...which one of us should tell her?
M: I think we should both tell her...I'm sick of being the heavy.
H: Okay.
H & M: WAAAAAHHHHH!!! DON'T PLAY WITH US...FEED US!!! GET US OFF THIS FREAKING FLOOR AND ONTO THE BOPPY PILLOWS...GET A NIPPLE IN OUR MOUTH!!!
M: Oh my God...I'm really starting to freak out...I don't think I've ever screamed this loud...I can't stop...oh shit...there go the tears...real tears! I'm losing my breath! I'm coughing! This is ridiculous! I can't pull it back!!!
H: You're insane. Calm down...she's getting the bottles right now.
M: (now nearly hyperventilating) I can't stop Hailey...please help me...I can't breathe...MUST EAT NOW!!!

Mommy enters with two bottles and shoves them in the babies' faces.

H: Mmmmmmm....good....so groggy that I can't keep the bottle in my mouth.
M: Arrrghhhhh...grunt...grunt...grunt...stop talking...you're disturbing my digestion.
H: Did she really think that Kohl's would help?
M: Rookie.

Oh, you're trying to shower?

M: I think that Daddy is dying Mommy's hair...that means that she has 30 minutes to let the color sink in...what can we plan in 30 minutes?
H: Oh...we can do a lot of damage in that amount of time...especially because they think that we're napping...try not to make a lot of noise...you know how loud you can be when you get excited.
M: Yeah...okay.

30 minutes later and much plotting finished...

M: Okay, did you hear Daddy just go out to walk Brie? That means that Mommy is here all by herself.
H: Heh, heh, heh...that's right. Let's just give out one yelp right now.
M: Okay...you do it.
H: Waaaahhhh!!!
(Mommy comes in, gives Hailey her binky, and wraps her back up...Hailey pretends to fall back to sleep...Mommy leaves the room ever so quietly)
M: OMG! It worked! She totally bought it!
H: Yeah...I know...I'm pretty awesome.
M: There goes the shower...get ready for some action!
H: Oh Matt...we have to leave enough time for her to get the hair dye out of her hair...that could do a lot of damage and I don't want to be walking around with a bald Mommy because the hair dye burned her hair off!
M: Good thinking...what would people think?

7 minutes later (Mommy has washed the dye out of her hair and has just applied the extra special conditioner that comes with dye in a box)

M: Here goes...I'm going to have to make this extra loud because Mommy is in the shower, so cover your ears.
H: God, you amaze me with your range of pitch and volume...you should record an album, you know?
M: Maybe someday...but first, we need to carry out our plan.
H: Good luck...take a deep breath!
M: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGG!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!
M: Do you think she heard me?
H: I think that Fidel Castro heard you! That is truly phenomenal!
M: I know...I've been working on that one.
H: Oh, here she comes...I'll throw in a couple too. WAAAAHHH!!! WAHHHHH!!!

Door opens and Mommy comes flying in...the shower is still on...she goes over to Matthew's crib...

H: OH MY GOD!!! She's naked...that's freaking hysterical! I can't believe she's naked!
M: I know! What's in her hair??? Oh my God...she's leaking all over me! Oh wait...she's not leaking...she's dripping!
H: What? She couldn't grab a towel? You must have really freaked her out!
M: I guess so...oh shit, she's trying to wrap me back up again...she's getting water all over my face!
H: Let her have it!
M: WWWWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
H: Oh my god...that was the loudest that you've ever screamed...she's really freaking out. Let me give her one...she won't know where to turn! I still can't believe she's naked!
H: WAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! WAH! WAH! WAH! WAH!! WAH!!!
M: She totally up shit's creek now...she has no idea what to do!
H: Oh God...now she's trying to calm me down...you're right! She's dripping all over the place! Oh gross...get off of me!
M: Where is she going? She can't go downstairs...she's naked! What if someone sees her?
H: She's going to slip down those stairs...I just know it!
M: Okay, that wouldn't really be funny right now, but it would in a few years...right?
H: Oh yeah...totally hysterical.
M: What does she have with her? The bouncy chair? I didn't see that coming!
H: What? Is she going to dry herself off with the thing that we sit in? Great idea Mom...
M: Oh no...she's taking me out of here...good luck Hailey! You're on your own now!
H: WAAHHH! WAH! WAH! WAH!!!

Mommy puts Matt in the bouncer, gives Hailey back her binky, and turns the water back on.

H: Hey! This isn't what I had in mind! How do I get out of here???
M: I can't fight it...warm air and raindrops sound so good...I must sit here and look at the lights on the bouncy. Can't torture Mommy anymore!
H: This sucks! I want to get out of here...no one can hear my cries...Matthew - HELP!!!
M: Hailey...just cry louder!
H: I can't! I'm physically unable to cry above the shower!
M: Sorry man...I'm chilling!

Mommy gets the conditioner rinsed out of her hair and gets out of the shower. She manages to get her slippers on when she hears dear Hailey.

H: WAH! WAH! WAH!! Oh cool...Daddy's home with Brie. I know he'll take me out of here and in the process, I'll make it look like Mommy was ignoring me! WAH! WAH! WAH!

Daddy goes upstairs just as Mommy is opening the bathroom door...she only has her slippers on...Matthew finds this hysterical.

M: Oh my God! Mommy is naked again! Doesn't she ever put clothes on?
H: Daddy's taking me downstairs...hahahahaha! You're stuck seeing a naked Mommy! I'm being read a story!
M: Shut up Hailey!

Mommy dresses herself and carries Matthew downstairs. She promptly hands him over to Daddy and starts to make the bottles...

M & H: We win!

How did this start?

Okay, I know I'm wrong, but I'm convinced that my 3-month old twins know what they're doing. I think that they know how to manipulate me and that they know when I go down the stairs (i.e. away from them). Cognitively, I know how untrue this is, but I feel it in my heart. This blog was started to document their thoughts from my point of view. I love my kids and they crack me up and this is a great way to chronicle what is going through their mind and my own! Enjoy!