What IS This Crap?

H: Matthew, here we go again.
M: Oh yay! Wait...what do you mean? It's time to eat, right?
H: Yes, but you know what that means...they're going to try to make us eat something new...again!
M: I like new things! They all taste so yummy and Mommy and Daddy do funny things to make us eat them...they don't need to do that with me...I'll eat anything!
H: Yeah...you're making it harder for me. I think they need to work for it...I'll eat if they really earn it. That's how I roll.
M: You're kind of mean, you know?
H: Not mean...just honest. If it tastes like crap, why am I going to open my mouth again for another bite of crap? Not gonna happen!
M: Oh, give them a break...look at how happy they are...what the hell are peas?
H: Matthew, the stuff in that jar is freaking GREEN! Do they really think that I'll allow that to pass these lips?
M: Mmmmmm....cereal....mmmmmm...can't talk now...gotta demand that the cereal get into my belly faster...mmmmm
H: You're such a pig...it is good though. Alright, enough talking...I'm eating now too....mmmmm.
Mommy: Okay, we're going to try something new!
Daddy: Mmmmm...peas!
H: Freaking great (sarcasm)!
M: No, it IS freaking great...I can't wait! (big smile)
Mommy: Here we go Matt....Zooooommmm....right into your mouth! Oh, I think he likes it!
Daddy: Okay, Hailey...chug-a-chug-a-chug-a-chooooo-choooo! Right into your mouth...oh crap...Hailey, swallow it!
H: No way.
Daddy: Hailey, just give it a shot...it's YUMMY!
H: It tastes like pureed crap...not yummy!
Daddy: Okay, let's try another bite.
H: Why in the world would you think I need another bite after this one is still sitting in my mouth? Are you freaking crazy!?!? Another bite!?!? Who taught you people parenting anyway? The rule is if the baby doesn't like it, then stop what you're doing! What the hell? Oh, here we go...he's trying again...
Daddy: Mmmmm...peas...good girl Hailey! You opened your mouth! Now swallow...
M: Mmmm...this green crap is really good...I can't get it in fast enough. I wish Mommy had robot arms that would repeat this motion of spoon in jar, out of jar, and into my mouth a lot quicker!
H: God, you're such a kiss-ass.
M: No, I'm not...I have a much more developed palatte than you and that's why I can handle new foods so much better. Come on...look at poor Daddy...he wants you to like this so much...give him a break!
H: Okay, I'll open my mouth one more time, but then I'm done.
M: Hailey, you still haven't swallowed your first two bites...you'll have no more room!
H: Have you seen these cheeks? I'll have room.
Daddy: Okay, one more bite....mmmmmmm...peas!
H: Yeah...if you say, "mmmmm...peas!" one more time, I'm going to lose it. They still taste horrible! I'm done!
Daddy: One more bite? Oh, she's not opening her mouth anymore...guess we're done.
Mommy: Look! Matthew finished his whole jar! Amazing!
M: (smiling) They like me better!
H: (looking pissed off) That's fine...let them like you better. I'll get more attention by doing this...(proceeding to spit out all three bites of peas)
M: Touche my friend...you win!